Monthly Archives: May 2005

Stuck

★ Posted on at 09:18 am ★

There is always the 10 minutes of time to contemplate while in the shower.

A year ago I was still studying my final semester. There were little concerns other than just studying for exam styles that I have had over 4 years to get familiar with. While the number was dwindling, I still had friends in Melbourne and whatever trials and tribulations, we were there for each other. At the time, there were still good things to look forward to, a graduation ceremony and maybe new opportunities to finally contribute back to those who have cared for me all these years.

This time now, I have exhausted all options from larger firms with graduate opportunities. I feel I have squandered the time given to actually work harder in securing myself a job. I wasn’t overconfident about my abilities, just that maybe I had felt that I’d leave luck to decide my fate for me. Heh, I guess my luck has worn thin and now I’m not even sure I’m back to square one of finding a job. There is this outlook of impending loneliness as I am a quiet person who only opens up when reached out to. This is a paradox as being an individual, no one will hear you scream in silence, yet it has never been my character to boldly represent myself.

There is no longer the linear path that I had to follow. Heck, I guess you could even call it a railroad, as there was little deviation. The goal at the time was to not fail any subjects and graduate. Life isn’t so simple now. There are many things to juggle that I have not tried before in my life. It feels just like when I first came to Melbourne in 1999. It was my first try at independence and I was not emotionally prepared for it. I was impressionable back then and started to question why things were the way they were. So many things I took for granted I had to learn on my own, and somehow, I managed to pull myself through despite feeling pressured by my surroundings and being uncertain of my identity. I am going through a similar period now I guess, although things seem to have increased a hundred fold in difficulty.

I find I don’t complain or voice out my concerns enough. I’ve been taken out of my comfort zone of knowing what to do and these days, I’m walking a fine thread between keeping myself confident that I can pull things through and just feeling utterly hopeless about my surroudings. Friends and family have given comforting words, but I know my own strengths and weaknesses to the extent of not acknowledging them at times. Before, I was comfortable with letting things slide, and most usually, things resolved themselves over time. Now, being patient won’t change a thing unless I do something about it, as things won’t just fall on my lap conveniently. I have been too comfortable with the way I am for too long, and I will become like the extinct dodo if I don’t change the way I do things, mainly being more adamant about achieving the things I want in life.

There is an intangible fear that I will not live up to the expectations and responsibilities set upon me by others and most importantly, myself. It is this fear that clouds my logic and reasoning towards helping myself out. Words are easy to utter, but everyone has their own mental capacities in dealing with adversity, some coping with it better than others.

It is going to be a difficult few months.

Week in Retrospect

★ Posted on at 03:35 pm ★

Heh, life has been ironic.

Somehow things have transpired like I expected them to be. My gut feeling told me they’d happen, I just wasn’t exactly prepared for them to happen.

I watched Star Wars knowing that things will turn out bleak and there was nothing you could do about it. Everything that was good came to an end and evil prevailed so ruthlessly. You can’t predict the future and most things are beyond your control. Heh, it doesn’t matter that everything ended well in Episode VI of Star Wars, it’s living the moment that makes you vulnerable to such emotions.

Manchester United was the dominant side in the FA Cup final, but like their fortunes during this season’s Premiership, all their hardwork was not to yield fruit with save after save from Arsenal’s keeper and unlucky finishing. The statistics prove my point, with many times the attempt on goal compared to Arsenal’s meagre singular figure. Like most things, the end result is all that matters, not all the hard work that you’ve put into it. Arsenal took the cup home after winning 5-4 on penalties.

There were also some personal matters that have been disappointing but it seems to outline the theme for this week that things are looking bleak and going downhill. One can’t help feeling disappointed, especially if they have dreams and desires they wish fulfilled. We can only try to look on the bright side of things, and hope that things don’t set us back, but give us the will to try again until we succeed.

On the lighter side of things, the Beer Festival was a rather nice diversion. Friends and I had wanted to go to the 3-6pm session, but the turnout was so spectacular, that by the time we had arrived at 330pm, the tickets for that session had sold out. Heh, we could only buy tickets for the next session (which was sold out when the 7pm session started.

Went in to sample beers from different varieties, but I guess my friends were just happy drinking stuff we were familiar with. Had some other varieties and our tongues were totally at our mercy. There was one beer at the event that tasted so bad (it was sour, and I suppose it’s an acquired taste) that we were unanimous in condemning it. Most of the bad ones tasted like various forms of detergent (go figure), while the good ones had a nice honey aftertaste to it (from the hops used to brew the beer I gather). Our favourite beer for the night was Hoegaarden and towards the latter half of the night, most of us were camped in one spot listening to a live band perform while sipping beer and eating chips. Haha, yeah, sipping beer. Not the way it’s supposed to be ingested, but due to its gas content, you get filled up pretty quickly. It’s a Catch 22 situation with ingesting large quantities of alcohol. You need to have enough food in you to absorb the alcohol and not too much that you can’t have anymore food/liquid in your system after that.

It was a long night after that. KO’ed before the FA Cup final and while I slept through the first 90 minutes, I guess I didn’t miss much. Two of my other friends must have been high on alcohol and went out to buy another 10 bottles of beer, which incidentally, they finished that same night. Heh, like I said, go figure.

Full Circle

★ Posted on at 01:56 am ★

Just returned from watching Star Wars Episode III – Revenge of the Sith. The phenomenon that began in 1977 has come full circle and ended with a bang in the final chapter. Absolutely brilliant.

As usual, picked up my tickets for the midnight premier, and I must admit I’d never do this for any other movie. Heh, maybe I’m just biased, but I think the movie was really good. The lightsabre scenes in this movie outclass all the ones from the previous movies. Haha, something I live for when watching Star Wars movies. On the storyline, it was a really dark movie, and the emotions that Anakin Skywalker went through could realistically happen to a person.

*spoilers ahead*

My thoughts on this movie. It’s starting its transition to the grittiness that made the original 3 episodes so realistic. This movie didn’t have all the bright colours of the previous two, and felt more authentic in execution. Digital imaging technology has improved considerably since Episode II, and the blending of real life acting and computer wizardry is almost seamless now. The detail in the design of ships, weapons, costumes are so elaborate it’s almost astounding.

Regarding characters, I think Christopher Lee always seems left out. He only had a cameo appearance in this film, much like being edited out in the last installment of the theatre version of the Lord of the Rings. After playing such a major role in the previous films for both sagas, he is swept aside just like that. The battle between Yoda and Darth Sidious is a pale comparison to a Hokage type battle (Naruto reference, a fight between the real masters) and while spectacular, does not match the light sabre battles between Obiwan and Anakin. Natalie Portman played a very minor role in this movie and sounded less cheesy in her romantic gestures when compared with the previous movie. The ending ties up a lot of the inconsistencies that fans have commented about over the past 20 years with only 2 minutes of dialogue.

I was really wondering how George Lucas would be able to pull off tying up the ends in this movie, explaining how Anakin turned to the dark side. He provided a very plausible scenario and made the movie much more believable than when I first watched the young Anakin win a pod race and blow up a Trade Federation ship. Heh, you can take this movie quite seriously.

Still trying to process all the sound and imagery running amok in my mind from the movie. Now just waiting for the DVD release so I can relive all the action. Heh.