There is a dullness that is settling in. I feel a little on the numb end.

I did a good day’s work today. My colleagues appreciate the work I do, and I am efficient in that manner, always reliable and up to the task. I work on my attitude, my character, and try to build myself to be dependable. It makes me what other people want me to be. When I try to be myself, maybe I portray an egotistical person who thinks he’s better than everyone else. Maybe sometimes I like the efficiency about things, and there is little human emotion in efficacy.

It has always been a fine line to me, whether being altruistic really meant being self centred. It is a certain point of view, that to fuel one own’s desire to do good, that one unselfishly gives themselves away to seek the better good for everyone else. You could argue that by doing as such, you would deny those who would be close to you to be a part of you. Maybe not sharing yourself wholeheartedly to someone else, be it family or friends, would you be considered equally selfish?

Does it seem to always be about me? Of how I feel or what I want? You strive to give just to feel good about yourself. Is it really perceived as such? I don’t know, it’s one of those shades of gray you can’t even be sure if it’s black or just shadows deceiving you.

I try at times I really do. I still stumble at best with certain things. The only difference I do not want to suffer the vicious cycle of recurring themes. If it is a problem, you face and fix it. As much as I have a stubborness against change, I can wholeheartedly embrace it as a whole. It’s a complex paradox.