“The best proof of love is trust.”

by Doctor Joyce Brothers

I guess it’s only when you hit a bump in the road that you do a little soul searching.

I’m looking back and thinking. Trying to recollect the unhappy moments in my life. Heh, I’ve almost forgotten I had unhappy moments, but there was a time when lots of things were superficial and I got lost in a sea of emptiness. There is a pain in yearning, of wanting something and not being able to get it. I’m not sure how I managed it, maybe too many disappointments or too high expectations have given me thrilling highs and equally devastating lows. I have learnt to lessen my expectations, to not want as much. Somehow I’m like a poker player, muting all emotions to the point of being neutral regardless of how things happen.

There was a time I accepted things as they were. Valid or not, everything had a reason for being, and that you just had to live with it. I grew up, and felt a sense of restlessness. Why do I have to be bound by such rules, and why am I so different from everyone else? You get angry at not being able to be like everyone else. A friend once mentioned that I never worried about the day to day things that afflicted every other student like worrying for assignments and passing assignments. My only problems were dealing with the emotional complexities of friendships and how those relationships affected me. I have always been the good friend who would be there if needed, but demanded nothing more. I would say that humans are more selfish than that, but I had a simpler mind once, and was happy with unrequited love.

I don’t know. These days I’m happy with who I am, maybe a little less keen to venture forward. I have so much to be appreciative for, and I’m taking it for granted maybe. Read a story once about the rolling block of stone who had a chip missing. The stone was searching for the missing chip and would stop by everyone to enquire if they had seen the missing chip. The stone had many wonderful experiences, playing and learning about the world around it. Then one day the stone found its missing bit and they became one. The stone was now round and rolled and rolled and rolled. They never stopped rolling and soon, the stone realised that it was passing everything by without stopping to say hi. Heh, not sure how the story ended, but it rings true in my mind we seem to neglect the world when we are satisfied with ourselves.

Just feel at times I’m left with very little things to say. No matter what I say it seems to mean little. How does one continue to evolve oneself to become the model self? I am not the ideal image that I am imagined to be so what do I do? It’s about interaction, but even that is a blur at times. It’s not about how much you give or receive, but can love be unconditional?

I would like to heave a sigh. I can only close my eyes and believe.