“The best proof of love is trust.”

by Doctor Joyce Brothers

I guess it’s only when you hit a bump in the road that you do a little soul searching.

I’m looking back and thinking. Trying to recollect the unhappy moments in my life. Heh, I’ve almost forgotten I had unhappy moments, but there was a time when lots of things were superficial and I got lost in a sea of emptiness. There is a pain in yearning, of wanting something and not being able to get it. I’m not sure how I managed it, maybe too many disappointments or too high expectations have given me thrilling highs and equally devastating lows. I have learnt to lessen my expectations, to not want as much. Somehow I’m like a poker player, muting all emotions to the point of being neutral regardless of how things happen.

There was a time I accepted things as they were. Valid or not, everything had a reason for being, and that you just had to live with it. I grew up, and felt a sense of restlessness. Why do I have to be bound by such rules, and why am I so different from everyone else? You get angry at not being able to be like everyone else. A friend once mentioned that I never worried about the day to day things that afflicted every other student like worrying for assignments and passing assignments. My only problems were dealing with the emotional complexities of friendships and how those relationships affected me. I have always been the good friend who would be there if needed, but demanded nothing more. I would say that humans are more selfish than that, but I had a simpler mind once, and was happy with unrequited love.

I don’t know. These days I’m happy with who I am, maybe a little less keen to venture forward. I have so much to be appreciative for, and I’m taking it for granted maybe. Read a story once about the rolling block of stone who had a chip missing. The stone was searching for the missing chip and would stop by everyone to enquire if they had seen the missing chip. The stone had many wonderful experiences, playing and learning about the world around it. Then one day the stone found its missing bit and they became one. The stone was now round and rolled and rolled and rolled. They never stopped rolling and soon, the stone realised that it was passing everything by without stopping to say hi. Heh, not sure how the story ended, but it rings true in my mind we seem to neglect the world when we are satisfied with ourselves.

Just feel at times I’m left with very little things to say. No matter what I say it seems to mean little. How does one continue to evolve oneself to become the model self? I am not the ideal image that I am imagined to be so what do I do? It’s about interaction, but even that is a blur at times. It’s not about how much you give or receive, but can love be unconditional?

I would like to heave a sigh. I can only close my eyes and believe.

Sort of undecided if I was hungry. Would have went to see my cousin to grab a Subway sandwich (maybe I still might) but the desk is a little cluttered. Sometimes I know I should clean it, but usually I’m either too lazy and turn a blind eye to the mess, or I’m just confounded by how to approach the clean up.

Peering into my own life at times, it feels a little haphazard. I’m not usually forced into the thought of looking at who I am or what I am doing with my life now. Maybe it’s cause I’m so comfortable with it that I’m not inclined to change my ways. It’s not always been like that I guess. It would have only been a couple of years back, when I’d be the only one around to entertain my own thoughts, and I’d get used to not expecting friends to be free to entertain me that I have an inertia to pick up the phone and call them at times. How much has changed since then, now I wonder if I’m so busy with daily stuff that I forget who I should be.

Received one of those mass emails from former high school friends. Heh, attended a Chinese New Year dinner last year and I’ve been on that list of ex Chong Hwa high school mates since. These friends of mine are a marvel, as even after 6 years of separate ways, with some still studying, most mainly working either in Malaysia, Singapore or Taiwan, that they still manage to meet up, either for weekly fustal games, or just birthday parties, holidays etc. This was my friend’s class when we were 16. Heh, I recall how I meet my circle of friends. I usually know one person very well who has an interest similar to mine (gaming, beer, same classes etc) and meet them quite frequently. I usually slowly get to know my friends, adapt to their styles and learn to appreciate some of the things they do. Heh, I know how ‘froggy under the well’ (Chinese/Malay proverb – meaning that as a frog in a well, all I see is that patch of sky and think I know the world) kind of a person I can be. Never mind what advanced knowledge I have on my interests (they are interests), I can know practically nothing about many day to day things at times. There’s still many places in the world I’m yet to see, like parts of South East Asia that still has that provincialness to it, despite the rapid development of the main cities. Or places in Europe, where people who are not well to do have saved up and made the experience their own.

I just wonder at times, that I follow the wind and change to the direction it’s pointing. Maybe I’ve learnt to adapt to doing things like that. Maybe these days I’ve been trying to stand still, and carve a part of what I want to be. I am not that resistant to change, and quite contrary, change creeps up to me frequently and slowly changes who I am without even the slightest notice. I have never really clashed characters with people, as you can choose your friends and I’m fortunate that I have similar thoughts (maybe disagreeing in certain views or lifestyles, but generally the same ideas) with my family. What do you do then when someone you care about has totally different views and idealogies against your own? At times I get frustrated at the personal lack of interest, in the disappointment that I can be in not sharing the same thoughts. I have been accused of being set in my ways and not trying hard enough. Perhaps I’m a person who’s easy to satisfy, who has little needs and maybe it’s the flow with the wind attitude I have that makes it difficult sometimes. I usually show little initiative for external things, especially when it involves organising people towards doing things. I’ve always been my own one man show in getting things done my way and learning through the hard way.

Heh, I want very much to see the lighter side of things, but I know many of the irregularities that characterises me, and that it bugs you. I know myself and have been comfortable with my actions (or lack of at times). I do say that I want to know more about you, to take an interest. Spending time alone seems to mean little unless there is a common interest. Should I be more adamant and less accommodating to your needs then?

I seem to keep getting it wrong, but I have always been patient enough to keep trying.