Woke up this morning and like my friend says, “Snug as a bug in a rug”. Popped my head out from under my quilt like a turtle and you could feel the full extent of the coldness on your skin. It was freezing. Winter is sort of looming now, with the rain falling almost everyday and for longer periods.

* * *

I felt broken. Burnt out. Heh, its not like I’ve been working/playing too hard. Emotionally, felt a little empty. It was like I lost the plot over the last few months. I didn’t feel like me and there was some chasm between what I thought and what I felt. Life had been sidestepping problems and avoiding them to promote harmony, but sometimes, you have to face the problems to actually overcome them. I remember a time when I was reliable and would go all out to do something for people I cared about. These days I feel a little petty, even if on the surface I was okay with most things. It’s superficial and I hadn’t noticed it. I had always reached out and tried to anticipate the needs of others. These days it felt like I was just reacting to needs, as I was too selfishly enveloped in my own needs.

I’ve been dreaming of family. I miss my music, something I have always liked but never really embraced. Walked into Allan’s (music store) and tinkered a little at the keyboards. I miss the times when I would sit in front of the piano at home (when it was still around) and just invented little tunes. Heh, always complained I had no rhythm and I think I still don’t. Somehow, that doesn’t seem very important anymore as I feel that if you want to achieve anything, you just set yourself to it. Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t do it. Most importantly, don’t let yourself get away with telling yourself that you’re not good enough. Most of us aren’t prodigies, but I have noticed that with everything, an amateur can learn things and slowly, things will progress and one day you find you’ve made it so far.

* * *

It has been a little confusing and directionless. Me wanting to do too much with too little time and not being able to focus on anything at all. That wanting, has led me to ignore the here and now, with my head always thinking of what would be. Learning to let go a little bit. Relearning to be genuinely kinder.