I play the scene in my mind a few times and try to justify the issues at times. It just never plays out correctly. No matter how you phrase it, you can’t say what you feel without offending someone else.

There is tension in the air these days. Two of my close friends at work are preparing for their CFA exam next month. Vyanne and her housemates are also doing the same, along with most of the people I know. You need to dance a delicate dance around people during these moments or else you will end up offending them.

I have tried to be supportive of people around me, but sometimes there’s just nothing you can do to make the situation better, only compound it. Work has been dreary as there is a lack of motivation that is slowly seeping into me. When everything is bleak like this, we tend to drown in our own worries and insecurities, and there is a need to express ourselves in a way to release these pent up emotions.

I may say mean and tactless things at times, focusing on negative issues instead of the positive ones. I admit to being wrong and do apologise even if I cannot take back the things I say. At the time I was just thinking of me. It takes a lot of energy to prop yourself up while supporting others around you, and sometimes you find yourself lacking in that department. I feel terribly helpless at times, being able to only mirror people’s emotions, and not having anyway to make everyone cheer up. I soon decline into a spiral of self doubt. Likewise, one can choose to get angry or just be forgiving. Then again, forgiving requires more mental control and energy to pull off, hence it’s much easier to just be angry and blame people for not being appreciative enough. It is an automatic response, thinking all about “me”.

We are all accountable for our actions, it’s just whether we choose to be responsible for them.