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Wincing

Car’s still dandy, but messing up the rims a bit. My perception of distance is quite lacking and I’m not doing very well with curbs at times. Parking skills still quite horrendous, and like I mentioned to my friend, I was never terribly adept with these hand eye coordination things. I’m feeling a little ‘sim tia’ (heart ache) doing silly things to my car, and I won’t say it can’t be helped, because due to my lack of driving experience, I should be putting more effort into learning how these things work. It’s just like rollerblading, recall banging myself silly and making injuries all over me (still have the scars to prove it, heh). One day I was bleeding on the knee and the elbow and it was so bad I couldn’t sleep properly that night, wincing each time I turned on my wound. I vowed from that day on that I’d learn the proper braking technique and today, no matter how I fumble, I’m always assured I can stay level on the street. Now I’m pretty sure I don’t want to bang up my car to learn this, so I’m going to think about it logically on how the car should be positioned and what I should be doing in situations to avoid any mishaps. I notice that people are not incapable of learning something, it’s just a mental block for fear of not being able to do something. It’s quite annoying at times. One day I will be able to drive any vehicle of any size and make it like part of an extension of me (like how rollerblading is second nature to me now, although my skin isn’t thick enough for me to have tried stunts).

* * *

It’s been a long week, reminiscent of days when I was looking for a permanent job. It’s not too distant a past. You feel uncertain, and it’s like climbing a mountain you seem sure you’d never overcome. Resumes and job applications, you never know how to start, or what to do for an interview, or even getting the opportunity to go for an interview. Not everyone’s like that, but it’s been a problem I’ve had. I guess it’s the same fear of falling flat that you just don’t want to face it at all. It’s a silly notion and the only consolation I have is that I manage to slap myself silly and get out of the loop of feeling sorry for myself. On my end of the company, my supervisors are happy for me to go, I just need to convince the bigger boss in New York that I’m up to the task of filling in my colleague’s role. At times I put on too much responsibility for myself, expecting myself to be able to perform beyond expectations. I usually feel I can do that, but this time, there is no rabbit to pull out of the hat. I can do the things required of me, but I’ll be doing it on a steep learning curve. Taking things step by step and hopefully I can pull it off.

* * *

Nothing else terribly interesting, other than going fishing (or rather, I’d call it fish feeding). Twenty of us paid $1,100 to catch two flatheads, so it’s about $550 per fish. Ouch. Well, I didn’t go for the fishing but more for the enjoyment of company. Heh, the only excitement was at the beginning when my friend called me and asked, “Are you awake yet?”. “Er, I’m awake now.” My alarm didn’t ring, and we were supposed to be at the pier by 645am. I left home at 615, arrived to pick up my friends and we left his place at 630. I didn’t know where we were supposed to go so you could imagine I’d be excited if we were late to the meeting point. Got there by 650, fortunately the traffic lights cooperated a bit. Everything else went smoothly after that.

* * *

You wince at times when things happen in life, but you can only hope to take them with a pinch of salt, and not be too caught up in it. Time to go watch the Australian Open men’s singles final. Woot!

Uncomfortable

Life’s been a little more stressful than usual. A little outside my comfort zone for most things now. Work has sort of become a little more challenging, with me needing to fabricate some programming magic to automate some stuff. Information systems is not a degree that guarantees you know anythin about programming. We didn’t do as much hands on stuff as the computer science students did, and to add insult to injury, a year after mine, the subject that thought Java (a programming language) was split between easy and advanced as too many students could not grasp computer basics and failed the subject.

Just been tired, trying new things, learning new things. I guess its like exercising, if you walk a lot, you’re comfortable with walking long distances, but even a brisk jog will make you feel uncomfortable and struggling to catch your breath to keep up pace. I guess life is a little like jogging now, even lots of uncertainty and new things to learn. Brain’s coping, but not as well as I’d like. Just feeling uneasy about this feeling, it’s been so long since I’ve had to struggle to keep up with the times. At times I’d like to shy away from it all, and work is just too constant a reminder of how much I still don’t know. To be fair, I’m not expected to know these things, but things never come easy in life and I have to persevere.

Deliberating

It’s been a slow, busy week.

Accepted my offer to go to New York and somehow the novelty seemed to have worn off. The opportunity to work in the Big Apple was very enticing but now I seem to be having second thoughts. Heh, the idea of translocating myself to a totally different continent and timezone seems terribly daunting now.

Work has been busy, with me and a friend leaving (she’s going back to pursue her studies), my company is busy advertising for new people to come on board. There will be training, and a transfer of duties, etc. Heh, having accepted the offer does not automatically qualify me. I will be given a task soon from way over there and I’ll need to come up with ideas to impress my new boss to be (well, the higher up boss I guess) to see if I am worthy of filling the shoes of my colleague all over in New York. Heh, suddenly there seems to be a multiplied effect of work I’d need to be doing on top of the usual routine. All I can do at this stage is take a deep breath everytime I think of it. It has a calming effect.

* * *

It’s not terribly fun, having so many thoughts go through your head all at once. I have no deadline on when I’d be leaving, what I’m to do there, how I’d survive in New York city. I’m a relatively “kampung” boy from Petaling Jaya and I keep wondering what I’ve done to qualify for an offer in one of the busiest cities in the world. That’s the present. There’s also the future, say two years from now, would I stick true to my beliefs and go back to Melbourne? Or would I be tempted by the allure of living in a metropolis like NYC. Honestly, I don’t know. I’ve stayed in Melbourne for 7 years now, and suddenly I have to uproot? It’s not as easy as going back to Malaysia, as there will always be family there. I have family and friends in Melbourne too, but who knows what will happen two years from now.

Quite tired thinkin of it, and just felt so detached from it. Had I focused too much on it I’d become depressed. I want to be strong and feel that no matter what happens, I will pull through this. I must believe.

* * *

On a side note, went to the Australian Open on Saturday. The rain poured its soul out, and only managed to see one match at an indoor stadium. Left the court and wasn’t allowed back in as everyone wanted a chance to see a match. It was a 2 hour queue back in. Heh, exchanged the tickets for Monday’s session instead. Wasn’t expecting to go but Jerome and Emily dragged me to the evening matches. Had a good view on the outside courts on some of the matches. Tennis is really a fast game and the ball looked really fast in reality as opposed to seeing it on TV. Didn’t bring my camera out and thoroughly regretted it as we were sitting less than 10 metres from the players. Spotted Daniela Hantuchova in one of the mixed doubles and she looks as pretty in real life as she does in pictures. Heh, although I do feel she’s a little too skinny to be a tennis player as most players have more bulk to get a bigger serve.

Tennis aside, the rain also followed me to the zoo. Went to the Zoo Twilights, a sort of evening concert held on the open grounds at the zoo. Went to watch James Morrison and the Joe Chindamoe Trio. Heh, this was the WRONG James Morrison me and my friends thought we were going to see (young English singer compared to older Australian jazz instrumentalist). It was fun otherwise, and the musicians were very impressive, belting out tune after tune. It threatened rain the whole of Sunday (concert day) but it never rained until the concert started. It was a drizzly lazy kind of rain, and it came and went as it pleased. Umbrellas went up and down but luckily it didn’t pour as it did the day before while I was watching tennis.

* * *

Tired from all the buzz. Just want to rest now.