Today was a bright and cheerful day, not nearly as spirit damping as the rain yesterday. Conversely, yesterday I felt alive. I recall my first poem was about the rain, when I was still in high school and KL was covered in a haze due to air pollution from fires or something else I can’t recall. The air was heavy that day, and the day seemed to be stuck in an evening glow, until the rain came and washed it all away just after school had ended that day. It was featured in the first highschool newsletter. I remember those years writing poems, when I felt little at peace with who I was, and had trouble deciding who I wanted to be.

I did not step out of the office today, having had so much work to do. There’s always something to fix up or to follow up on. I did not manage to bask in the warmth of the sun. Towards the end of the day I was constantly on edge.

Suddenly I remember my past. Friends I used to be close with, I wonder what they are doing now. I wonder if anyone remembers me, heh, not that I recall making myself very memorable. I used to care very much for people, but somehow the feelings were not reciprocated or maybe I expected too much. I could not just let go and when the friendships faded, I lost all I had in common with old friends I felt like a stranger when we’d meet up again so many years later.

Somehow I do not recognise myself now. What happened to that timid boy who was so afraid of the world changing around him that he tried so hard to make himself independent of it? I don’t know for he has somehow let himself go.

Maybe I want to make myself be heard, to let go of my burdens for a bit, but I have lost my voice that I can only listen now.